So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
