i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
