Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
