After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I still have a little drunk in my system
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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