I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
