why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
