found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
