I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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