Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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