Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
not ubering you a puppy
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize