if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
