i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
