i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
