I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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