the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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