God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
