I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
