GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
