All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
