How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize