I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm like, not good at living.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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