My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
