Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
