A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
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