How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
