Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
