we have pet lesbian snakes
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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