Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
