We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The struggles of a small town man whore
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
