i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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