Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
