I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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