I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
