Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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