Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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