I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
