If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
