Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
