i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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