I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
