"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
