Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize