you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
