Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
