there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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