I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
