You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
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