I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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