Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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