you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize