and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
