I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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