A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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