Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
