I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
