I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I supernannyed him into submission
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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