if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
