between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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